Billman Top Ten

I few years ago I had the distinct pleasure of working with a dude named Billman. He had his own fractured view of the world. I once collected a top ten list of some of his daily observations. Our colleagues got a big kick out of them. Here they are:


10. I'd rather sit on a pile of money than have a nice chair.

9. These computers have become a Leviathan--there's no one here to help me-- and then they wonder why I bring a gun to work.

8. I need to take something to make myself throw up--if you do that once, does that make you bulimic?

7. Right now, my breath could etch glass.

6. There's only so many times you can dial 911. . . now where's my bag. . . oh, its in my office.

5. I gave up on my life . . . and I'm a lot happier since.

4. Getting away with it is a hell of a way to go thru life.

3. The thing that keeps me from being the worst loser is that I know I'm a loser.

2. I liked it here until enough people told me I didn't like it here.

1. I know what women want . . . I can't give it to them, but I know what they want.

sexual chain of 288 high school students

By now, I'm sure most everyone has heard this one, about the sexual chain of 288 high school students.
I guess my questions are 1-how does this researcher know they aren't just pulling his chain?
and 2-to paraphrase Garrett Morris-Where is this high school?

Seriously, I don't think people were gettin it on like this at my high school, but then that was back in the dark ages.

Volkswagon VW Suicide Bomber fake advert

In case you haven't seen this.

You should.
(Requires quicktime)

Dude, try some vegetables . . .

or some Metamucil or something.
Please.

Potty Bowl

I heard this one on the radio. I couldn't quite believe it was true. Apparently tomorrow at the Fiesta Bowl there is some sort of "Potty Bowl" event where "kids play against each other to finish the Go! Wipe! Flush! Wash! Dry! obstacle course first. "
From the press release (also here):

Pampers ® and KEZ would like to invite you and your children aged 4-5 to the Kandoo™ Potty Bowl for kids. Kids will take to the field and compete to be crowned “Masters of the Bathroom” and 2005 Kandoo Potty Bowl Champions!
At this fun and educational event, Arizona Cardinal quarterback Shaun King will act as master of ceremonies and honorary “Kandoo Coach” while kids play against each other to finish the Go! Wipe! Flush! Wash! Dry! obstacle course first.
All kids will be winners and receive a variety of prizes.
When: Tuesday, January 25th, 9:00 AM – 11:00 AM
Where: ArizonaState University- Band Practice Field @ Rural Road and 6th Street (East of Wells Fargo Arena). FREE PARKING IS AVAILABLE.
Who: 4 and 5 year olds in the Phoenix/Tempe community are invited to participate. All children must be accompanied by a parent, guardian or designated adult. Families are welcome as spectators.
Space is limited: Please sign up by calling (877) 243-1460 or emailing Kandoo@painepr.com as soon as possible to reserve your space at the Kandoo Potty Bowl.
Participants will receive:
A Pampers® Kandoo™ Prize Package (includes new Foaming Handsoap and Flushable Wipes)
Participation in the Kandoo Potty Bowl obstacle course and the opportunity to meet Shaun King of the Arizona Cardinals
Photo opportunities with the life-sized Kandoo Frog
Kandoo T-shirts and towels
Refreshments and face painting
Certificates for completion of Bathroom Basic skills
We look forward to seeing you on the field!

I'm not sure I can add anything meaningful to this.

Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson died today. I was born in 1961, so Carson and Ed McMahon WERE late night TV to me. I remember when the TV day started with an NBC show called "Today", and ended with NBC shows called "Tonight" and "Tomorrow". I remember seeing some sort of significance about the TV day starting in New York and ending in LA. I remember the urban legends (though we didn't call them urban legends then--we believed them to be true) about Johnny telling some hot babe with a cat "Sure I will but first move the cat"; or Arnold Palmer's wife talking about kissing his balls and Johnny replying "I bet that flutters his putter." I remember Ed seeming to do not much more than laugh, say "yes sir" and hawk Alpo and Budweiser(pretty good gig if you can get it). And, of course, I remember Johnny's final show.

Hearing about his death today, seeing the news when I checked the headlines on my internet-enabled phone while sitting in a Red Robin having lunch, I was genuinely sad.

We'll all miss you Johnny.

Workin for the man

Pretty busy today. Was workin for the man all day. Did have a little time to check out engrish.

Heywood Jablomy

My Limits

I opened my eyes and looked around. I realized I was on the floor. I wasn't really interested in getting up, and besides I didn't think I could anyway. I had heard some voices in the room, and realized I probably had been hearing the voices before I opened my eyes.It was Saturday night, I was in my off-campus apartment, and I was incapacitated by drink--all normal findings. Then I noticed some sort of angry humanoid above my looking down and berating me. I realized it was my girlfriend, Mary. I also realized that I was supposed to take her to some sort of AM radio pop music concert that evening. No way that was going to happen. I mean, I was having to hang on just to stay on the floor. The angry humanoid Mary shook her tentacle--I mean arm-- at me accusingly and impugned my character verbally. I then figured out she was asking me a question.
"Don't you know your limits?" she was yelling at me.
"Ysxcdthm." I answered, although in my head I was saying, "Yes, I know my limits. And I have exceeded them."
"Gtsmshh?" I then asked, meaning "am I going to get some tonight", although even in that state I think I knew the answer.

--From "Apartment 11, the Real Story"
by Harold T. Knutsacke

This one . . .

has to be seen to be believed.

Chas cooks hot dogs in his pants

"So there was my buddy Chas, in the middle of the kitchen, stripped down to his jockey shorts, drunkenly swaying back and forth.

'Gstepph,' he muttered.'dksph, mugina.'

'Did he just say spaghetti sideways?' I asked my roommate Jeff.

Chas staggered to the freezer. He pulled out some frozen hot dogs. Then as Jeff and I watched, he rummaged thru the cupboards till he found a vaguely appropriate pan, put water in it, put it on the stove, and turned on the heat. I'll never forget what happened next.

Chas put the frozen hot dogs in his jockey shorts. Wait--it gets better. HE WAITS FOR THE WATER TO BOIL. Then pulls down his pants, lets the dogs drop on the floor, picks them up, puts two of them on two buns, and eats them calmly as Jeff and I are falling apart with laughter.

I was there, I saw it."

--From "Apartment 11, the Real Story"
by Harold T. Knutsacke

Gone in 60 seconds

Do yourself a favor. Get the original Gone in 60 seconds on DVD. Just fast forward to the car chase if you're in a hurry(about halfway thru the film or Chapter 18 on the DVD. The movie is barely an amusing anachronism up to that point. Once the car chase starts, it just keeps getting better and better.

Unless you don't like to see stuff get destroyed . . .

Let's start things off with a bang . . .

Check it out.